Dear Friend

So, this is actually the essay that I wrote for my Creative Writing’s final quiz. I got 30/30. That is truly unexpected really haha. Anyway, if you’ve read The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, then you know that the format of this writing is based on it. It is known as Epistolary [in the form of letters]. Anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Dear friend,

I am writing this letter for you from somewhere that is geographically close. You don’t have to search for me because I will remain anonymous throughout this and the subsequent letters that I may send to you.

So I choose to write to you because you seem to be one attentive listener. I hope you’ll be attentive too when you read my rants. It’s not going to be long. Okay, what do you feel about your life? Sometimes I feel like life has been so unfair towards me. I don’t know why, but I look at other people and they have bless-fully blissful lives. Throughout my existence, I feel empty. I am just a shell. I don’t know what I am supposed to feel, like I am shut from all those emotions. Maybe I do feel sad, and by being so alone, it makes me much more of a loner. I go into my room, locked the door, and just lie on my bed from the sun-up until the sun goes down. I’m so anti on going outside. I’m a mess, am I not? I don’t care about the world. I’m indeed a mess.

15^th February 2000

With love.

Dear friend,

A few days ago, my mom introduced me to her friend, this pretty young executive at the office where she works. I don’t want to talk about her. I want to talk about her son. He’s such a beautiful boy, if you could call a boy as beautiful, but he is. We chatted a bit, and then it turned into a long conversation.

I change, friend, I change. I go to his house now. We spend time in his room always. There are lots of books and sporting equipments and stuff. He told me he loves to read poems and such. I’m currently reading one of his favourite books. The book is wonderful. I love everything, even the smell of it. I know I’m a weirdo.

Anyway, I have to cut this short. He’s downstairs now. We are going for rock climbing. Can you believe it?

25^th February 2000

With Love.

Dear friend,

Have you ever felt like something is wrong with your heart? Like at any given moment, it can just burst out from your skin into the open? I am feeling that way now. My heart is beating uncontrollably, like someone is driving a train too fast.

You know, I feel like that each time I go out with the boy. I feel that way even when I am not with him. When I’m with him, I can’t turn my face away. My eyes are stuck on his like glue. I can watch him 24/7/366 (it’s a leap year now). I love the way his mouth forms this cute crescent moon shape every time he feels happy. When he laughs, his laughter feels like a beautiful piece of music. I listen to all his conversations. I hang on to all of his syllables, all his words as if my existence is tethered to what he is saying. Everything about him, oh, everything about him, I am so in love with everything about him. I think I’m a freak. There was this one time when we were on a train, he dozed off and accidentally placed his head on my shoulder. My mind was suddenly void of thoughts. Only empty space existed. I never felt like that before. It felt right and wrong. Friend, what is happening to me? I want this to stop. I want to run away.

10^th April 2000

With Love.

Dear friend,

I think I’m in love with him.

12^th April 2000

With Love.

Dear friend,

I did something terrible. Something that I wish I could pull back. I confessed to him. I did, I did, and I regretted it. His smile faded a little when I told him that. I’ve unknowingly created a distance between him and me. He said he just wanted to be friends but I know he felt betrayed. What we had was friendship, but now it’s gone. We’re not as close as before. No, he is not the one who is betrayed. It’s me. Why when I’ve found someone like him, it will always be shattered in the end? My life doesn’t have any silver linings. Oh God, I can still see his face. Why did I put false hopes on hi? I should have guessed, but the thing is, I still love him. Life is unfair. He can forget me. Why can’t I?

The worst is that someone heard me confessing to him, and now the whole school knows. People are calling me names and they play like a never-ending cassette player in my head. I want it to stop, just stop. I got booed, and people treated me like I’m a piece of rubbish. They said I should not exist, I should die.

Yes, I’m trash, I’m a disease, an awful disease. They don’t want a disease like me to walk around, do they? I may infect other kids around me. I’m not a decent human being just because I choose to love a guy rather than a girl. I’m half the human I used to be. They resent me. Teachers won’t do anything. My parents think I need psychological help. My mind is faulty. I’m just a machine with nowhere to go.

Friend, I’m not strong. I can’t live in a world where everyone can’t accept me. I can’t accept myself to live in a world where I’m alone. I cannot see his face, my parents’ faces, everyone’s. I’m a monster in the lives of every single person. Maybe I should just go. That is all, my dearest friend. Goodbye.

1^st June 2000

With Love.

The End of Five

I am back in my home state of Terengganu for a two-month holiday. Part 5 ended just days ago and I must say, P5 was absolutely the most challenging semester ever… with all the assignments, and the microteachings, and of course, that one little thing: THE PROPOSAL FOR ACADEMIC EXERCISE.

Of course, not all is bad during this semester. We had Creative Writing, a really great and fun creative course where we were required to write poems and stories. I love to write. Besides, I am actually the class representative for this subject. Haha. Applied Sociolinguistics is also interesting. Here we learnt about the relationship between languages and the society. I am pretty sure I will get high marks for this course. Hahaha~ And then, P5 was also the last semester where we had Japanese Language classes. I’m going to miss it a lot!

Other courses were not less than interesting too, but yeah, all courses had lots and lots of tasks, both written or presentations. The most demanding is AE Proposal. I stayed up until late at night for two days and nights straight just to finish it… hahahaha. The thing is, I am not a late-night person [at least in Shah Alam], and I tend to do my work early, but AE? It just got stuck at the end of the semester. I hope Dr. will accept my proposal.

How about my life? Well, it was quite good I guess? I finished lots of good novelson the first half of the year. Ohhh, I’ve a new-found love. EDM a.k.a. Electronic Dance Music! Haha~ Now, let’s hope for the best for Part 6! Hooyeahhhh!

Arigatō

 I had my last Japanese Language class a few weeks ago. I am really going to miss it. Japanese language is fun to learn.

We got to do three video projects where we were needed to use the language that we have learnt. It was fun filming all those videos. Japanese class was also always one of the classes that I looked forward to every week. We didn’t just learn the language, sensei also taught us about the Japanese culture and stuffs.

Domo arigatō gozaimasu sensei.

Winger and Dangerous Pie

Hi there!

It’s been a long time since I last wrote here. Life’s been quite busy. Anyway, here’re two really good books that you can read (if you want to that is).

Winger by Andrew Smith

A book that is filled with the complications of life and love of Ryan Dean West a.k.a. ‘Winger’ a.k.a. ‘Skinny-ass-loser’, a 14-year-old boy who plays rugby (hence the ‘Winger’) (rugby in USA! Who knows?) who is actually a junior in a high school. Of course, being a ‘kid’, life is tough, frustrating, and complicated. Ryan Dean thinks that he should change, and his junior year will be the best, although in contrary of his ambitious plan, he manages to throw himself into the O-Hall, the dorm for troublemakers, who are of course bigger than he is. What’s a boy to do? And then, he has a problem dealing with girls (and his feelings. He thinks all girls are hot! Nurses even!), especially Annie Altman. She’s a junior like West, but she’s two years older, and obviously, she won’t accept him, right? With the help of his friends, especially Sean and Joey, Ryan Dean rides the whirlwind known as life, fledgling but learning to be better (in his own ways) until a tragedy strikes. This novel features large number of cussing words, lots of really-long-sometimes-you-need-to-look-again-and-again-hyphenated-phrases, many (un-mathematical) graphs and awesome drawings, and too many usages of the word 'loser' but it is a book that promises to tickle our bones, make us all gross out during certain moments, and then punch us deep in the brain and the gut. It is a book that questions about life and what it means to live a life. It's funny, it's poignant, it's sweet, and it'll end with your heart broken into pieces.

Drums, Girls, & Dangerous Pie by Jordan Sonnenblick

Why drums? Drums are Steven’s (the main character) favourite’s music instrument and he’s good at it. How about girls? Well, because there are two main girls in his life, and they’re not even his girlfriends. Dangerous pie? That was an incident that happened between him and his cute little brother, Jeffrey. You think that this is the usual older-brother-younger-brother relationship novel? Think again. This novel depicts the life of Steven and his really teenager life. He laments the annoyance of his brother, and he laments that he cannot get the girl that he likes, and he laments the fact that he is neglected by his parents, well, due to his younger brother of course. It changes when turmoil comes and besieges his life in the form that Jeffrey becomes sick, like really sick. For a teenage guy like Steven, the scale of the tragedy and the impact that it blows into his family will make him think about all the choices that he will make. A disaster, he learns, is not a stopper in finding the best things that life can offer. And indeed, life is never a continuous cycle of good things, but do you have to forget yourself and focus on the bad things or change what you can change in yourself or the lives of others? Even with a rather bleak outlook, this novel will charm you with its humour and brilliance. Hysterical yet emotional, heart-warming and heart-breaking, you’ll root for both Steven and Jeffrey.

Easily said, I adore both of Winger and Dangerous Pie!