(Fell)

I let what I dreamt
of you hardened
into fragile crystals
lovely made
but I knew
how wildly they would
shatter and
become sharp razors
shredding me
as they plunge
into the core
(it did)
stitches and scars
are not what I
intended to
exist here
(the one and only)

How Waters Behave

After the thunderous
sounds the
sky lets the
droplets gravitate
towards the
river moving
still so slowly
the soft sound
as the drips hit
the surface
similar to
an analogue noise
the river merges
with the sea
waves on
the shore
the movements
ethereal they
rise and fall
like a human
breathing
seamless
never-ending

Spectrum Heart

The boy’s
heart
split                apart
doesn’t shine
with the
seven
colours of
the spectrum
he wastes too much
light
and forgets
to safeguard some
for the time
when his skin
is touched
no more
and his name
invisible to
the lips of
the others
and he
even loses
the sight
to see the
dark
no more

Pain

Dealing with pain is a hard thing, and I don’t mean physical kinds of pain. What I mean are those that are related to the heart. They come in every form you can imagine, and in many cases, they happen just because you are fighting the single worst enemy: yourself.

Aches that come in various ways: you suffer from bodily-related issues, self-esteem problems, or relationships, or sexuality, anything. The outcomes of those pains emerge in multitude of forms, visible scars, tears that are shed every night, anger, frustration, the feel of incompleteness.

More often than not, you will have people saying that they understand what you are dealing with. The truth is they don’t unless they walk in your shoes. Do they really comprehend the magnitude of the hurt that you suffer?

One bad thing that can happen is that they compare your pain with their own pain as if both are paintings in a museum. They say what you are going through is less severe or vicious that what they have experienced. The point here is, you should never judge the scale of the damage that one person has incurred based on your own. Do not ever mock someone pain, more so if you have never endured that kind of pain before. No one should feel that their problems are not of anyone’s concerned. No one should be made to feel that they don’t have the place to share their feelings and be left alone.

If there’s one thing, people may not understand, but at the very least, they are there to go through it with you, and that can take a long time, years maybe, a lifetime perhaps, but if they are there, ready to listen, ready to talk, and they believe in you, that lessens the ache. You have someone who is apt to share any happiness that you have later on.

Sometime, what people need is just love after all.

The Notebook

This is a custom handmade notebook created by my friend, Zell. She has this wonderful online handmade book shop where you can buy beautiful books that are… uhhh well… handmade. Anyway, those of you who fancy having your own design will surely love the shop as there are various fabric and paper patterns and laces, ribbons, and buttons you can choose from. The prices are pretty reasonable. With postage, the books cost around RM10-20.

The shop is I Write Amour, and if you want to take a look, THIS is the Blogspot, and THIS is the Instagram page.

[Zell, I love this!!!]

The Ones Who Never Cried

The ones who have never cried thought that they are strong. The ones who have never cried think that they could reassemble themselves easily after a disaster struck. The ones who have never cried think that shedding tears means that they have succumbed to their enemies.

The one who have never cried know how wrong they are. Crying is never a sign of weakness. Crying is not a loophole in the creation of human. Crying is human. Crying is an indispensable part of living. You cried when you were born. It’s a sign that you’re alive. To be a person means to acknowledge that at any given moment in your life, you will encounter someone or something that when they break your heart, you know that keeping all those feelings inside will only make you suffer more. We are not machines with automated controllers. We cannot control what we feel all the time. Let them go, let them go. Even if things will not be okay in a short time, at least you let the part of it out of your system.

The irony is, the creatures who cry the most are the ones who said that crying is the biggest flaw in life.

Pretend

10^th of March

It feels like I am walking and walking and walking without an end, or if an end does exist, it will be a deep precipice with jagged sides. I am lost in my thoughts about you. I know, I know. I am wasting too many minutes of life thinking about you and you and you.

It’s unhealthy.

I still have this feeling that I should have remove from my inside and thrown far over the bridge years ago. Why do I keep thinking that everything will be alright? The fact that I adore you so much will never mean anything to you since I am the only person who feels that way, and I will never have the chance to make you mine. You are oblivious of this very fact.

I can’t call this love can I? Love needs two people to exist.

Sometimes, I think about you, and I over think. In fact, from my last period of thinking, I’ve came up with two things:

Number one: ignoring the fact that you will never be mine, do I deserve you? You are always my shining beacon. I see your everything and I can’t let them out of my mind. I smile each time I see the letters that make up your name, but then I realise that I’m not as good as anyone else in so many facets. I’m less than half as good as you. You seem to know the things that I long to know, to have, but I’ve never forced myself to acquire. I will never deserve someone who is as good as you, and it kills me a little.

Number two: do I fall in love with you as a whole, or only the part of you that I first saw? What if I only fall in love with the way you say my name or the way you look me in the eyes or the smile that only you can make? Is it really love? What if it is just lust? What if my mind omits my memories of you once you are gone, never to be seen again? Is that love or lust? That kills me a little.

Anyway, I am not supposed to have this. I have to pretend that we are nothing but friends.

That kills me a lot.

And still I hope this will turn alright.

Write

I have not been writing a lot these days. I should begin to write, write more. Writing is the only way for me to get my feelings across, even if it’s vague, even if it’s bad, even if the words are disjointed at different places.

I am not a person who vents a lot. I keep too many things to myself, but I can’t keep all of them in my mind. I want and I always change them into the forms of letters. Every time I write, my mind flies to another dimension, so to speak. I will focus and focus on what I write until I am satisfied, and by being satisfied, I mean that what I’ve written is the less awful version of so many drafts.

I write because that makes me believe that I am less incomplete, less imperfect. I write because seeing black ink on sheets after sheets of paper or black digitised form of letter on the screen tells me that I can actually do something and do it without feeling that I am inferior to anyone else. I see the letters dance and form words that later creates strands and strands of sentences.

I write.

Happy Hari Raya!!!

A Painter

Let me paint you
with a thousand colours
known and unknown
there upon your skin
a million movements
not unlike the Fibonacci
sequence carefully drawn
there upon your skin

My Heart is a Ghost Town

My heart is a ghost town
maybe not a real ghost town
for I am living there
quietly waiting
quietly in all loneliness
quietly waiting
for you to come
arriving
and start making
this place whole again
water the soil
make me alive
bury the seeds
that will grow
into beautiful blooms
and we’ll capture the
spring air in the form
of lyrics
but now
my heart is still empty
a ghost town of sorts.

Cielo

I hear a choir
heavenly sweet
song telling me
I could have
created wings
but the
Achilles’ heart
in me is
earthly crammed
tied all alone
tethered to
the ground

Ahahaha... NO!

I think it’s quite hard to give your own opinions nowadays right? You share your beliefs and people will just look at you like hungry wolves and shoot things straight at your head without even blinking. People are entitled to give their own views about things. That’s how the world should roll. Discussion leads to something beneficial for everyone, but no, if they like something, they just got to defend it as what they like is sacred. Others cannot say anything bad about it. Your honest opinions are like annoying mosquitoes during the summertime.

Like really people?

I guess if people are being a dickhead about what they are saying and start to mock and ridicule the thing that you like and say stuff that is not true, yes, then you have a right to defend it, but still, you must look what they say first. There are two sides on a coin. You may only look at your preferred side and abandon the other just because you don’t desire it. You propagate the thing that you like and trust it without ever judging whether it is a truth or not. What if, even if it is said in such an unfathomable, jerk-ish ways, they’re actually true? Do you still think that you should shield what you like with burning enthusiasm and face embarrassment?

We should just learn to review and understand the things that people are saying. It will never be as bad as it seems. At least by knowing other people’s judgments, you will know whether to choose the good or the bad.

Did I even try?

My current attitude!
That pretty much sucks actually!