On mistakes

I've been thinking of who I am lately, how I am perceived by other people, and what I have done to those around me. A funny thing about being an adult is if you think being an adult means that you are matured enough and you know who you are, you might be wrong. Some individuals may have known who they are and are living happily. Some... are still searching.

I am still doing that, call it soul searching of sorts, I think I am 65% certain that I know who I am l, what my plans and my achievable targets are, and I am pretty sure I am quite happy, but the rest is still this big mysterious cloud. With that cloud, there comes all those mistakes. Mistakes that emerge due to inexperience, or social awkwardness, or simply, due to me not having a care of people except for myself.

There are moments when my judgement lapsed, and I did things I was not supposed to do. Sometimes, — but who are we kidding, probably many times — I realised that I did mistakes, but I think that's the thing about mistakes — they can be easier to do.

Of course, my face got shoved with reality and now I come to a realisation that, I have been a stupid, shallow, self-centred person. My mind told me that I cared about people around me, but then did I really care? Do I really care now? Do I care that I'm still not a functioning adult? Do I think that I still depend too much on people around me?

Do I really know what's going on in other people's minds when it comes to me? I can't even solve the mystery that is me, let alone knowing other people.

The thing about human is, when you think that a person is a jerk to you, you yourself can be perceived as a jerk to another person. It's a cycle. And I know I have been committing too many errors, both intentionally and unintentionally, against people around me. That makes me a jerk.

I'm getting closer to being a 27 years old guy. I don't want people to hate me for things I did. I don't want to see myself in the future getting worried about mistakes that I did in the past, especially those where I intentionally did.

Living without a mistake, that would be a bed of roses, but a bed of roses our life is not. I know I can't run away from making one, but at the very least, I want to make sure that the mistakes made are not towards other people, and even if they do, they will have a much lesser impact to those around me.