The Chapter

These past two years in Shah Alam have been a roller coaster ride for me. I’ve learnt a lot of new things, academically and non-academically, made a lot of new friends, read a huge number of books, studied more Shakespeare than I’ve ever did before, known more about myself, but most importantly, getting ready for the most vital upcoming chapter of my life.

It’s the last day of 2013, and I have come to a realisation that separation is a bittersweet event. Why? Because I may not see all my IPG Kota Bharu friends for a long time. We’ve Gayarians have been with them for such a long time, and even though all of us might have made each other mad, or or crazy, or annoyed, one thing that is certain, in the end it’s the friendship and love among us that matter the most. I’m going to miss them all, but now, it’s time for me to lunge myself forward.

2014 will be the year where one thing will be imminent: the prospect of being a teacher. I have a fear of letting down myself and my students, but I don’t want to be pessimistic. This is a challenge that I must accept with open heart and mind and soul. I know I can do it, and I will prove it. Like what I’ve thought before, all things are coming to their rightful places and the reality starts to kick in. It’s going to be a ride of my lifetime.

But in the superior words of everyone who’s amazing on this Earth: Challenge Accepted!

The Creature

“There is a creature out there.”
and it comes
in nature invisible
it cuts the skin
crawls inside
makes a nest that grows
and grows and grows
“Make it die, make it die!”
but how can I make it die
I am raped to such intensity
my body is its temple
I am my own coffin
as long as the creature lives
“Let it out!”
let it out how so deeply
I want to let it all out yet
my flesh feels like a fence
keeping it in
keeping everything else out
lives still lives still
my Heaven
I’m buried in my made-hell
I’m buried and I’m so scared
the creatures lives still
in light and devours away
even the dimmest glimmer
I have
hopeless a beggar
for a monster
“Alone and scared.”
only the creature keeps me
company

The Days After

I used to believe that everything would be okay when I reached adulthood. All those days of bitter fights, bullying, mistrust, and self-pity that used to linger when I was small would vanish. I used to believe that my weaknesses would fade away, only to be replaced by a stronger me. No one would come and knock me down again.

How wrong I was.

There are days abound when I am feeling like I’m being trampled on, and these days happen not just because of the acts of other people, but the worse impacts come from my own wearied, self, wearied heart, wearied mind.

Scars that are visible on the surface are still tame whet they are laid side by side with the cracks that tear open the heart and confuse the mind. Other people’s words are far dangerous missiles than fists or kicks. Words are invisible bullets piercing so deep, and sometimes get embedded for the rest of one’s life. Paralysing you, that may happen.

I just sometimes want to hide from everything. Fighting is not an option because in the end, I don’t care about the words anymore. I realize that being an adult doesn’t magically erect a barrier that stoppers me from faults, self-hatred.

We grow, and we got hurt. Oftentimes, too many hurtful things close our hearts and we start the cycle of hurt to other people. The days of childhood, when a fortress built with pillows seemed impenetrable from the enemies, when a field was an entire world. When colour pencils were the wands that change our thoughts into realities, those days are all but over, only to be bitterly replaced with something we all can live without.

Something that we could live without, or is it something that we can’t really live without? Maybe that depends on which side you’re going to: the left or the right. Maybe, those childhood days are still waiting to be alive again.

The Tunnel

Empty, void of noises, the air choking, not nourishing, almost like a dusty tunnel only dimly lit by the ceiling lights. I think that fits the situation of my soul. I look at both ends of the tunnel. Nothingness. I wander aimlessly, with my hands touching the filthy wall. I’m lost. Anywhere I turn, I only see desolation, the horizon seems to far. I don’t even have the might to run. Have I lost my faith? Have I lost the belief that I can get myself on the right track?

I know one thing: I am ruined. So ruined that I don’t even know how to get the scattering pieces and build myself again, all body, mind, and soul. I destroyed myself and I continue doing it with every action that I take. I let myself to dream on false wishes, wishes that only serve to destruct my soul. I don’t try to be better. I am losing faith on everything that I used to believe.

I just want to run, run away from this tunnel I’m living in, break free from the chains weighing me down. I am afraid of the darkness. It seems to be never-ending. I can see a faint ray of light at the end of the blackness, but I can’t reach it. Why can’t I reach it? Is it because it’s too far or simply, I don’t want to chase it? That’s the reason, perhaps. I want to change, but I make myself weak. I tell my mind “Don’t do it. You’re already destroyed. Nothing can change you.”

I play pretend. I am still pretending. Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever leave this place.

Northern States' Trip

Hey ya’!

It’s been a long time and I’m already in Week 8 of my sixth semester. Two months left before going back to Sabah. How time flies. Anyway, I had a really fun time during my holiday a few weeks ago. My friends – Ajit, Jace, and Zell – and I went to Kedah [that includes Langkawi] for five days and also spent an entire day in Penang. We went there [Alor Setar to be precise] because we wanted to complete two assignments for two different subjects, but hey, since we were in Kedah, might as well we crossed the sea and enjoyed what Langkawi has to offer. By the way, that was my second time to Langkawi. The first time I went there was when I was like 2 years old.

So, where did I go? Lemme remember… Sultan Ahmad Shah College [that’s for our assignment really, but the school was so colonially cool!], a couple of historic places in Alor Setar, Paddy Museum, National Science Centre Northern Region Branch, Mount Mat Chinchang [Cable Car of course!], Langkawi Wildlife Park, Pasir Hitam and Cenang Beaches, island hopping in Beras Basah, Singa, and Dayang Bunting Island, Kek Lok Si Temple, Penang Hill, Fort Cornwallis, ate ABC at the famous Penang Road Teochew Penang Chendul, and took the ferry ride [also for the second time in my life].

Here are some photos of our trip!

In front of the main (colonial era) building of Sultan Abdul Hamid College.

Sultan Abdul Hamid College in Alor Setar, Kedah was built in 1908. I love the colonial architecture of this school. 

Balai Nobat is where they keep the Nobat musical instruments when they are not in used. The instruments are mostly used during Royal ceremonies. 

On top of Mount Mat Chinchang, Langkawi. The cable car ride was so exhilarating! 

 A pier made from coconut trunks and pieces of wood at Pantai Pasir Hitam.

Island hopping in Langkawi. Here, the boat was approaching the mythical Dayang Bunting Island. 

Dayang Bunting Island's hills. 

 The symbol of Langkawi, the majestic statue of the Brahminy Kite at Eagle Square.

 The pylons of Penang Bridge. I love the long ride over the strait on the bridge.

Deliciously sweet ais kacang from the famous Penang Road Teochew Chendul Restaurant.

A Bottle

If I could bottle
my thoughts
the ones
stripping down
to the core
the ones
in my Pandora’s Box
those that I fear
those that I adore
thoughts conceived
during the strangest
of mornings
the loveliest
of nights
would they shine like
a millions stars
engulfing life
in lights that span
a universe’s length
or would they dim
what little shine
I strive to keep

Over

Forgiving is one thing, forgetting it is another.

We know that the only way to achieve total peace is to just leave the matter that disrupts us behind and never to talk about it again, but sometimes, that thing is actually a predicament that we can’t let go. Why? If there’s one reason, it’s because that thing has fucked us a lot that we cannot bear to let it go lest we would forget the terrible event and make it happen again. We want to make amends with everyone else but the incident keeps on replaying, and we’re left thinking, “should I let my guard down?” Should we?

Sometimes, there are small problems that are caused by our own faults. I know that we are born with innate ability to defence ourselves, but there are moments when we need to just acknowledge the issues arising, I mean things can occur due to our misguided minds, but such small matters can be forgotten all so quickly, unless the people involved in the arguments create a big deal out of them and constantly remind us of those stuff. It’s the big matter that stoops us. We can’t even see the end properly sometimes and continue to just be wary of our surrounding, bracing ourselves for signs that may tell us whether it will struck us again, maybe even harder this time.

It’s hard to live that way. It’s hard not believing other people.

Bazinga!

Hylô a sut wyt ti'n gwnead?

I went to Seremban, the capital city of Negeri Sembilan for the first time to meet my lecturer from Institut Pendidikan Guru Kampus Gaya (Institute of Teacher Education Gaya Kampus), the beloved Mdm. Sharifah Mazni. We brought along Rachel and Ilanggo. I really miss both of them, so it was really awesome to be with them even for just two days.

We were in the same class during the foundation in IPGaya, but because my class is twinned with Universiti Teknologi MARA (MARA University of Technology) for the TESL Degree Programme, they couldn't make it because of that one reason. At least, they can still do it in Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia (The National University of Malaysia). Bangi and Shah Alam are not that far... well, it will take three hours if we travel with KTM Komuter. Haha~

Speaking about KTM Komuter, we did travel to Seremban riding one... oh wait, two actually, a 45-minute ride from Shah Alam to KL Sentral, and then another 75-minute from KL Sentral to Seremban. I like riding trains, so that was not really a problem. Haha~ The funny thing is, all of us ran frantically twice that day just to catch the trains, one heading to Seremban, and another one heading back to KL Sentral from Seremban. Guess what, that Malay idiom, 'a banana tree doesn't bear fruit twice' (I'm so not sure if this is a good translation) apparently was not heeded by all of us, and because I don't really exercise, it got the better of me... it was such a fatiguing incident. Bwahaha~

Anyway, besides getting to eat delicious dishes that Madam Shamaz cooked, we also discussed about some serious matters, one of them about our schools for Practicum. All of us will go back to Sabah next year, and we are obligated to be practicum teachers (teachers-in-practice?) for three months. Hamy, my friend, and I, hopefully, will be teaching at SMK Taman Tun Fuad. Four months away and I am already feeling the pressure, but I know I can do it.

Ok, so that's all for tonight.

Diolch i chi!

Unfinished

The boy watched a film
and saw the girl
and the boy in it
holding hands
he knew it was
only an act but
he wondered
always if that could
be emulated
into his own reality
maybe holding the
hand of the girl
he loved
perhaps under a
pinkish flowery tree
perhaps when it was
raining heavily
perhaps with the sea waves
as the soundtrack
but he knew
the world was
a stage he dared
not to direct
and the girl
he loved was
left out from the script
the boy only wanted
their hands
to be in unison
but the feelings
he had
only left a heart
beating asunder
the end

Blargh!

Since this blog lacks me selfie. Haha~ [Sorry]

In one way, I can’t wait to go back to Shah Alam, but I know, I’ll miss Terengganu [and the holiday… haha~]

Here’s hoping that Part 6 will be awesomesauce!

[Music alert: Coldplay’s Atlas is really great!!!]