On changes and memories

Life is never a constant, static thing. It changes, every second, each minute, from the first moment when you were born, to the final breath that you take. Things come and go, events occur and end, people, they reach your life, and they can choose to stay or they can decide to leave. 

Our lives change for better or worse. Some are small, some rather big. Some are benign, others lethal. In whatever magnitude they are, in whatever form they take, they add to the experiences that we have gotten from our years of living. Good changes, undeniably, make us feel better about going through the days. Getting a degree, going to an amazing trip that alter your perspective on this world, reading a good book, getting things that we have always wanted, having new friends, marriage, giving birth, getting that PhD, they are the moments that we treasure in our lives.

Bad changes, in their own twist, are the ones that probably make us appreciate how good our lives actually are. Here's the thing though, not everyone can cope with bad things. Not everyone can see that there probably is a silver lining to our lives' misfortunes. We can choose on whether to wallow in a torrent of sadness, or to use our calamities as the building bricks that help us to understand more about the nature of the thing that is life.

No matter how the changes manifest to us, they are now etched in the banks of memories we have. There are no memories too big or too small. What we select to keep or not remember all belong to our own faculties. It is of my humble opinion that we can never throw away strong memories that we have — we can put them at the back of our minds, but during a few throwaway moments, our minds think of them. What we experienced back then have made us who we are now. Bitter changes, bitter experiences, did they manage to make us bitter too? Or did we choose to craft a greater living in spite of those things?

All those changes in our lives and the memories that we make are a part of us. Even for me, I wish to not have certain things changed, but honestly, who we are today if not of those changes?

On mistakes

I've been thinking of who I am lately, how I am perceived by other people, and what I have done to those around me. A funny thing about being an adult is if you think being an adult means that you are matured enough and you know who you are, you might be wrong. Some individuals may have known who they are and are living happily. Some... are still searching.

I am still doing that, call it soul searching of sorts, I think I am 65% certain that I know who I am l, what my plans and my achievable targets are, and I am pretty sure I am quite happy, but the rest is still this big mysterious cloud. With that cloud, there comes all those mistakes. Mistakes that emerge due to inexperience, or social awkwardness, or simply, due to me not having a care of people except for myself.

There are moments when my judgement lapsed, and I did things I was not supposed to do. Sometimes, — but who are we kidding, probably many times — I realised that I did mistakes, but I think that's the thing about mistakes — they can be easier to do.

Of course, my face got shoved with reality and now I come to a realisation that, I have been a stupid, shallow, self-centred person. My mind told me that I cared about people around me, but then did I really care? Do I really care now? Do I care that I'm still not a functioning adult? Do I think that I still depend too much on people around me?

Do I really know what's going on in other people's minds when it comes to me? I can't even solve the mystery that is me, let alone knowing other people.

The thing about human is, when you think that a person is a jerk to you, you yourself can be perceived as a jerk to another person. It's a cycle. And I know I have been committing too many errors, both intentionally and unintentionally, against people around me. That makes me a jerk.

I'm getting closer to being a 27 years old guy. I don't want people to hate me for things I did. I don't want to see myself in the future getting worried about mistakes that I did in the past, especially those where I intentionally did.

Living without a mistake, that would be a bed of roses, but a bed of roses our life is not. I know I can't run away from making one, but at the very least, I want to make sure that the mistakes made are not towards other people, and even if they do, they will have a much lesser impact to those around me.

Malfunction

We are the things
that malfunction
not angels
nor demons
we have
hearts
that pump
tears
out from
our heads
we build scarred
walls made
from the
fragility of
our skin
voices stumble
on the edge
of our lips
wishing that
we are powered
by batteries
eyes shut
ears switched off
when life
fails us
because we are
glitches ourselves