Wednesday, 4 October 2017

An Exaggeration of a Fiery Heart

They have never seen within the boy his heart. It is a fiery torch that can’t be doused. His heart is a coal that glows constantly. It fuels him with a desire to burn walls and carve new pathways through them, it warms him with a passion to live. Burn like a phoenix he is, reinventing himself with every single cycle. He rises like the sun that enlightens the land every morning. He lights up his path to seek answers. Like the oil needed to sustain fire, his heart consumes the terrible and churns it to power to stay alive. No one can extinguish the boy’s jubilant flames.

In Dark

We creep oh for
so long of a time
even in the darkest
of nights
we are the blackest
of all shades of blacks
“I’ll stay with you.”
he whispers
“I can’t leave you.”
he says
I am his temple
My body is a coffin
keeping lights out
and I have a shadow
for my company

Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Every night I don’t dream of you

Every night I don’t dream of you I don’t dream of you I don’t dream of the way you make me want to caress your hair slowly and definitely just like how a fish glides effortlessly through the fast river I don’t dream of the way your skin feels so soft and smooth and how I want my fingers to touch your skin I want to touch it like how the waves lap on the shore and moves back into the sea I don’t dream of your smell the smell of your fresh clean shirt the smell of your hair after shower the smell of you during early mornings I don’t dream of how I fall into the abyss of anger of hatred of madness because I can never be yours you can never be mine I can never be yours and all of these are lies because I dream I am dreaming I always dream I dream of your eyes how they shine in the light I dream of your voice the combinations of sounds you make with your tongue and lips I dream of your left hand how they would look so right holding mine I dream of you the entirety of you the whole soul of you you with me with me anywhere looking at one another telling stories that make us awake at night you with me chasing our dreams together you with me arguing and mending ourselves again you with me I am with you or I am not with you I dream of you when I don’t want to because I am angry I am mad I hate myself every night why can’t I stop If I can’t love you why can’t I hate you I want to hate but you pull me closer and closer unknowingly let me hate you let me hate but my heart wants to love wants to love wants to forget wants you wants everything that you are made of wants every molecule of you wants you to light up my dark wants you to be the water when I am in fire wants everything that you are made of and I still hate that I love you still I dream of you still.

Your Calling

I only know how to lie I only know how to fall in love with you and your beautiful face and this heart yearns to bring my hands touching each inch of your skin and every strand of your hair you are beautiful and I fight against my mind not to look at you all the time but I fail always fail always looking always dreaming that you could be beside me saying my name like my name only belongs to you and your name is mine but I can’t we’re different we’re far apart we’re not supposed to be together and why do I love you when I know the love will destroy me why did I fall in love with you when you don’t know you never care your calling my name has all but a meaning because my name is never yours never yours to begin never yours to end with.

A Story of Hannah and Peter

Hannah looked at the giant watch mounted on the far west side of the station. Its face showed 11.54pm and the night train for Kerala would be departing in 6 minute. Her little fingers tapped her knees lightly as she searched for someone she was familiar with, but only the still cold night air and a tired-looking porter accompanied her.

"Perhaps Peter had been serious after all?" she thought. Their 2-month trip was peppered with fights and bickering. Peter would leave her for awhile, but normally he came back and sorted out their differences. This time, the wait was too long. Hannah absentmindedly crumpled her ticket. She didn't want to leave without Peter, and in her heart, a small tinge of hope assured her that her relationship with Peter would not come to an end.

In her mind, flashes of that incident played automatically. She could not fathom the reason of why she was being too selfish. Four years is too long for a wait, but was it enough for a bond that takes a lifetime?

Maybe she was wrong. Peter was right.

“Train will depart in two minutes. Two minutes.” The conductor said loudly, disengaging Hannah of her mind. Anxiety crept through her body – she must get out, she had to. Her heart pumped fast, adrenaline kicked in, and in split second, ignoring the heavy weight of her bag, she ran towards the door, trying to get out, only to be halted by the conductor. “Miss, you must stay. The train…”

“Don’t stop me!’ she said, shoving the pity conductor aside with full force, sending him tumbling to the ground. Hannah ran towards the exit, in her mind hoping that Peter would be there.

No. Peter was not there. Hannah eyes frantically looking for him and there he was, on the other side of the road.

“Peter, I’m sorry!” Hannah yelled.

Peter turned to her, gesturing his hand to form a heart shape and smiled that cute crooked shape that always been Hannah's liking. Peter seemed to forget it; maybe he thought Hannah needed a little more time. Peter immediately crossed the road. Everything’s going to be fine. Hannah thought.

The thing that happened next sent cold shiver down her spine. In a split second, a vehicle rammed Peter, and Hannah just stared – motionless, confused, and dazed amidst the commotion. There were too many sounds, too many sights, too many people; Hannah could only see one, lying in the middle of the street, in red.

The world began to look bleak, turned gray, and the last thing Hannah saw was the sky.

This is the story that Zell and I created during our LDV session so many years ago! To tell you the truth, our story was not supposed to end with a tragic incident, but the limit was 300 words. So, we had to do it anyway… Nyeheheh...
[Disclaimer: this is not the version that we presented in class. I edited it a bit.]

Sunday, 27 November 2016

Hello Again

The last time I wrote on this blog was a year ago… and then I left it to rot under the dust of the binary codes of the digital world. Guess in one year so many things have happened to me, both bad and good. I need positivity in my life. A chance to be a better man in everything that I do because currently, I’m feeling that I’m not doing my best I hope to change, but a hope is just a hope if there’s no action. If there’s one thing, I just wish to write again – write stories, poems, prose, anything. I used to love writing. I kind of lost it.

I need to get everything back.

Monday, 9 November 2015

10 to 1

10.
The sun was setting, the sky turned rouge, it was a beautiful sight, with waves rolling by the shore. We were just finished frolicking in the beach. His brownish dark hair all wet and shiny, his skin covered with sand. He smiled at me. I did the same to him.

9.
We walked holding hands, his left to my right. It was a blissful late afternoon. With his animated voice, we talked about how we would stay together this way. I pinched his nose slowly, he punched my shoulder with a force you wouldn’t believe could come from him.

8.
I stayed with him that night. The day was all clear and breezy that it didn’t give an indication that the night would be unruly and dark, the blackness only to be broken by the sounds of a great deluge and continuous lightning. I knew that he was silly for being afraid of lightning, but everyone have different fears. We hugged together closely that night.

7.
The day after, he tried to make a breakfast for both of us. What an idiot. He couldn’t even cook the eggs properly. I took over the cooking since we knew who the better one was. I said I would teach him, he said I was just lying, but he was smirking.

6.
We got into a fight the week after. I was not in a good temper that day and he just added to that unknowingly. He said that I was hiding something from him. I replied I didn’t hide anything. We were arguing, it became heated, it turned into a stupid fight, and I pushed him. He looked at me straight in the eye and finally, he said ‘I never thought you’d do that.’ He cried.

5.
I knew the second I did that, it became my worst regret. I saw him ran as fast as he could out of the house. I followed him. ‘I am sorry!’ I said. Then I saw lights.

4.
We were in the hospital. My mom and my dad were standing beside him. Their breaths echoed around the room. The white walls made that place looked desolate, like a tomb even. I couldn’t look at this. I couldn’t look at him. My brother was like a doll. My eyesight became dimmer every passing second

3.
‘I’m sorry. Please forgive me.’ I said, watching his blurry figure from behind the glass. ‘You’re my brother. You always are’

2.
My breathing stopped.

1.
Do you like my birthday present? I hope you do. I’m sorry I lied to you. I wanted this to be a surprise. I’m sorry I can’t stay with you. Once the sun sets, once the shore turns silent, I’m leaving here forever. Take care of mom and dad, little brother. I will always love you.

Friday, 9 October 2015

Commitment

Oh hi there people! It’s been a long time since I last wrote something here so yes, I’ve so many tales to tell, good things really, but let’s start with this first shall we?

So many a moment when I entered my class, the students would ask me whether I have a girlfriend or when I would get married. I don't know about you, and to be honest I don't mind them asking that. There's one thing though, these students think (logically of course) that at a certain age you should at least already have a future partner. I'm afraid that they think that marriage is the only goal worthy in life.

First of all, let me say this - people still think that I'm a student instead of a teacher (I consider that a privilege haha). If I were to have a wife, I don't really want people to think that she's my mom. My physical issue aside, marriage is a commitment, heck, having a boyfriend or a girlfriend is a commitment, albeit not as serious as the legit hubby wife relationship.

Especially for a guy, you need to have a good financial stability and moral stature. If you can't provide your family with proper food, house, education in all aspects, tender loving care, etc, you're damning your wife and kids for eternity. Many of my friends are now happily married (I hope). They know where they stand in life, and I'm sure they are giving the best they can for their families. I'm happy for them, I am.

Me? I'm not ready for that kind of commitment. Marriage is a big thing and the only big things I want right now are that hardcover 529-page "Harry Potter Page to Screen: The Complete Filmmaking Journey" which costs an amazing RM343.41 in Kinokuniya and a large New York thin crust Domino's to complete my reading it. I can commit myself to books and pizzas. One other matter is that I don't believe that I can't be happy if I don't have a partner. Happiness is a state of mind. If you want to be happy, just be happy. Be happy for other people, be happy for yourself. No one will get hurt if you choose not to hurt.

The last thing I want is for my students to think that they need a girlfriend or a boyfriend to be happy. Yes, you can be happy if you have a "loving" partner, no one's denying that, but to restrict your happiness and to put your world onto one person is just... too careless. There're so many things out there, things to achieve, things to discover. The world is not written in black and white. (I also don't want my students to think that their boyfriends or girlfriends are inherently tied to everything they do. Hey, you're not even married yet. Respect, compassion, and love? Yes. Obligatory monthly BF/GF allowance/gift and constant side-by-side? Hell no!)

Maybe there'll be time when I feel like it's ripe for me to get married, but that time is not now. I have so many dreams, both superficial (such as getting that HP book, buying that cute decor in Typo, etc.) and ambitious (getting a Masters degree in Literature, working for the United Nations). Yes, I know that some people say, "You can still achieve stuff even if you're married to a beautiful wife and have constantly whining triplets", but hey, we have different minds. Bud, I don't gauge myself based on your life, and certainly I won't measure my preference for food based on your taste buds.

End of rant. Thank you.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Why Literature is Everything

Literature (in all forms be it poetry, novels, short stories, and so many other designs) is made as the creators' reflections of the sociocultural, political, or historical environments of their times. Even fictional settings that may not conform to our current conditions (magic, sci-fi, dystopian) are replete with nuances that convey the facets and attributes of humans and their nature. Literature is not removed from humanity, but it is an integral part of it as exemplified by the thousands-of-years-worth of stories and arts. The stories of our achievements, our damnation, the good and the bad of our traits, the problems and the solutions, the discussions of life and death, we learn so many things from literature. When a person says "Why do we even have to study literature? It's all not real." That's practically undermining its importance to our development as a species in all aspects, emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. How many tales were written about our Earth in hopes of explaining it? Granted a lot are now proven to be wrong, but those stories were the first step for humans to understand this world. Most importantly, the characters in literature are the expositions of our own emotions and antics. How can we not understand that things in literature are continuously happening in the world right now? An understanding of literature provides an insight to the relationship between us to other people, to our world, and to the higher power. Also it reflects upon yourselves too.

Monday, 6 April 2015

INTJ Stereotypes Survey

This is a survey that my friend Zell saw on Tumblr, and she told me to do it since I’m mostly an INTJ (that my personality according to the Myers-Briggs Test).

Intelligent: I value intelligence and I know that as a human, it’s my responsibility to gain the knowledge that the world can offer me. Am I an intelligent person? Maybe you need to know me first *winks*

Psychopath: In my mind, I have killed you six times haha. Well, I’m averse to violence. There’s no way I’m going to hurt other people, but then again…

No feelings:  I’m not the kind of person who expresses my feeling that often, but when I am passionate about something, that passion will definitely appear (and that can quite drag my friends into an embarrassment hahaha)

Atheist: Definitely not.

Not romantic: Being romantic is not a bad thing, but there is one thing to be really considered : are we rooted in reality?

Arrogant: I learn not to be arrogant or annoying.

Brutal and direct: I’m more to direct. If the truth is out there, I won’t hesitate to say it, and I try not to be brutal when I state it even if the truth is in itself brutal. Well, that’s life.

Can’t accept others opinions: I value discussions in a civilised manner so that we can see where our opinions differ. It’s not just my own perspective that matters.

Manipulate people all the time: No.

Robots in reality:  Probably?

Antisocial: I’m not antisocial, but I am selectively social. I love hanging out with my good friends and family, but there are (so many) times when I love being alone, even when going out. I recharge when I am alone, even outside.

Can’t say “I love you”: It depends on the situation.

Want to be alone 24/7:  Nah, I love being with other people, but I love being on my own too mostly.

Can’t smile: Smiling, they said, is my number one feature haha.

Don’t/can’t care about others: I care about the others, perhaps too much sometimes haha.

Megalomaniacs by their very nature: Why should I be that?

Don’t cry: I rarely cry.

Cannot/will not fight: I am not that kind of person by nature. If people hurt me, well I just suck it up. What if it involves another person who I love? Maybe I’ll gauge the situation first.

Like conflict: Definitely not. I’m a peace-loving guy haha.

Self-centred: Trying not to be that.

No regret/remorse: Oh ho, we all have our fair of regrets. But for me, I aim to not be distracted in life. The only way that I can go is forward. Of course, I will reflect on the things that I’ve done so that I can make amends in the future.

Appear to be on drugs: My skinny body caused some parties to ask whether I smoke or not. The answer is no, I don’t.

Easily bored if not inspired: I need to be creative or doing something that I have passion for. I can easily get bored if I’m not inspired, and then I will degenerate into a remorseful existence haha.