The Creature

“There is a creature out there.”
and it comes
in nature invisible
it cuts the skin
crawls inside
makes a nest that grows
and grows and grows
“Make it die, make it die!”
but how can I make it die
I am raped to such intensity
my body is its temple
I am my own coffin
as long as the creature lives
“Let it out!”
let it out how so deeply
I want to let it all out yet
my flesh feels like a fence
keeping it in
keeping everything else out
lives still lives still
my Heaven
I’m buried in my made-hell
I’m buried and I’m so scared
the creatures lives still
in light and devours away
even the dimmest glimmer
I have
hopeless a beggar
for a monster
“Alone and scared.”
only the creature keeps me
company

The Days After

I used to believe that everything would be okay when I reached adulthood. All those days of bitter fights, bullying, mistrust, and self-pity that used to linger when I was small would vanish. I used to believe that my weaknesses would fade away, only to be replaced by a stronger me. No one would come and knock me down again.

How wrong I was.

There are days abound when I am feeling like I’m being trampled on, and these days happen not just because of the acts of other people, but the worse impacts come from my own wearied, self, wearied heart, wearied mind.

Scars that are visible on the surface are still tame whet they are laid side by side with the cracks that tear open the heart and confuse the mind. Other people’s words are far dangerous missiles than fists or kicks. Words are invisible bullets piercing so deep, and sometimes get embedded for the rest of one’s life. Paralysing you, that may happen.

I just sometimes want to hide from everything. Fighting is not an option because in the end, I don’t care about the words anymore. I realize that being an adult doesn’t magically erect a barrier that stoppers me from faults, self-hatred.

We grow, and we got hurt. Oftentimes, too many hurtful things close our hearts and we start the cycle of hurt to other people. The days of childhood, when a fortress built with pillows seemed impenetrable from the enemies, when a field was an entire world. When colour pencils were the wands that change our thoughts into realities, those days are all but over, only to be bitterly replaced with something we all can live without.

Something that we could live without, or is it something that we can’t really live without? Maybe that depends on which side you’re going to: the left or the right. Maybe, those childhood days are still waiting to be alive again.

The Tunnel

Empty, void of noises, the air choking, not nourishing, almost like a dusty tunnel only dimly lit by the ceiling lights. I think that fits the situation of my soul. I look at both ends of the tunnel. Nothingness. I wander aimlessly, with my hands touching the filthy wall. I’m lost. Anywhere I turn, I only see desolation, the horizon seems to far. I don’t even have the might to run. Have I lost my faith? Have I lost the belief that I can get myself on the right track?

I know one thing: I am ruined. So ruined that I don’t even know how to get the scattering pieces and build myself again, all body, mind, and soul. I destroyed myself and I continue doing it with every action that I take. I let myself to dream on false wishes, wishes that only serve to destruct my soul. I don’t try to be better. I am losing faith on everything that I used to believe.

I just want to run, run away from this tunnel I’m living in, break free from the chains weighing me down. I am afraid of the darkness. It seems to be never-ending. I can see a faint ray of light at the end of the blackness, but I can’t reach it. Why can’t I reach it? Is it because it’s too far or simply, I don’t want to chase it? That’s the reason, perhaps. I want to change, but I make myself weak. I tell my mind “Don’t do it. You’re already destroyed. Nothing can change you.”

I play pretend. I am still pretending. Somehow, I don’t think I’ll ever leave this place.

Northern States' Trip

Hey ya’!

It’s been a long time and I’m already in Week 8 of my sixth semester. Two months left before going back to Sabah. How time flies. Anyway, I had a really fun time during my holiday a few weeks ago. My friends – Ajit, Jace, and Zell – and I went to Kedah [that includes Langkawi] for five days and also spent an entire day in Penang. We went there [Alor Setar to be precise] because we wanted to complete two assignments for two different subjects, but hey, since we were in Kedah, might as well we crossed the sea and enjoyed what Langkawi has to offer. By the way, that was my second time to Langkawi. The first time I went there was when I was like 2 years old.

So, where did I go? Lemme remember… Sultan Ahmad Shah College [that’s for our assignment really, but the school was so colonially cool!], a couple of historic places in Alor Setar, Paddy Museum, National Science Centre Northern Region Branch, Mount Mat Chinchang [Cable Car of course!], Langkawi Wildlife Park, Pasir Hitam and Cenang Beaches, island hopping in Beras Basah, Singa, and Dayang Bunting Island, Kek Lok Si Temple, Penang Hill, Fort Cornwallis, ate ABC at the famous Penang Road Teochew Penang Chendul, and took the ferry ride [also for the second time in my life].

Here are some photos of our trip!

In front of the main (colonial era) building of Sultan Abdul Hamid College.

Sultan Abdul Hamid College in Alor Setar, Kedah was built in 1908. I love the colonial architecture of this school. 

Balai Nobat is where they keep the Nobat musical instruments when they are not in used. The instruments are mostly used during Royal ceremonies. 

On top of Mount Mat Chinchang, Langkawi. The cable car ride was so exhilarating! 

 A pier made from coconut trunks and pieces of wood at Pantai Pasir Hitam.

Island hopping in Langkawi. Here, the boat was approaching the mythical Dayang Bunting Island. 

Dayang Bunting Island's hills. 

 The symbol of Langkawi, the majestic statue of the Brahminy Kite at Eagle Square.

 The pylons of Penang Bridge. I love the long ride over the strait on the bridge.

Deliciously sweet ais kacang from the famous Penang Road Teochew Chendul Restaurant.