Pretend

10^th of March

It feels like I am walking and walking and walking without an end, or if an end does exist, it will be a deep precipice with jagged sides. I am lost in my thoughts about you. I know, I know. I am wasting too many minutes of life thinking about you and you and you.

It’s unhealthy.

I still have this feeling that I should have remove from my inside and thrown far over the bridge years ago. Why do I keep thinking that everything will be alright? The fact that I adore you so much will never mean anything to you since I am the only person who feels that way, and I will never have the chance to make you mine. You are oblivious of this very fact.

I can’t call this love can I? Love needs two people to exist.

Sometimes, I think about you, and I over think. In fact, from my last period of thinking, I’ve came up with two things:

Number one: ignoring the fact that you will never be mine, do I deserve you? You are always my shining beacon. I see your everything and I can’t let them out of my mind. I smile each time I see the letters that make up your name, but then I realise that I’m not as good as anyone else in so many facets. I’m less than half as good as you. You seem to know the things that I long to know, to have, but I’ve never forced myself to acquire. I will never deserve someone who is as good as you, and it kills me a little.

Number two: do I fall in love with you as a whole, or only the part of you that I first saw? What if I only fall in love with the way you say my name or the way you look me in the eyes or the smile that only you can make? Is it really love? What if it is just lust? What if my mind omits my memories of you once you are gone, never to be seen again? Is that love or lust? That kills me a little.

Anyway, I am not supposed to have this. I have to pretend that we are nothing but friends.

That kills me a lot.

And still I hope this will turn alright.