Juniper

The last light of the day was disappearing behind the sea. Walker walked aimlessly, thinking about the things he have done towards her. How cruel I was, he thought. It never occurred to him that deep down, she  might love him too.

She might love him.

Not now, after the terrible insults that he threw at her. It’s been a week. Just let me die already, but that was not an option. Walker looked ahead only to see that girl walking towards him. Shit. How did she happen to be in the same place, he would never know, but now was the perfect time to run from that beautiful face. He would never show his face again for a million years.

“Walker!” the girl shouted, stopping Walker on his track. “WHAT DO YOU WANT?” he snapped. And he wished he did not. The girl was agape, and on the verge of crying, but she did not let her tears fall. Oh, how Walker hoped to touch her skin, to catch her scent, to stop her from crying. His ego would not let him. He just looked at her for a short second and left the place.

“Walker, forgive me…” the girl weakly pleaded. “I… I… didn’t…” Walker cut her short, “just leave me alone!”

“Walker!” she shouted. “Walker, DAMN IT, Walker!” her voice was louder this time. “I don’t love you!” Walker retorted. “Never will…” again he continued his walk.

But he knew it was not the case. Walker loved him since the beginning. He longed for her ever since he met her the first time, and that was years ago. They were the best of friends. They made sandcastles together, they loved those different kinds of chocolate milk shakes on the beach, they hate Mathematics, they were… inseparable. So, why couldn’t the best of friends be more than that? It could not be something that happened just in all those films, wouldn’t it? Perhaps, it was.

God, I love her, the thought formed in her mind. I will never stop loving her.

“Walker… stop, Walk…” something did manage to stop Walker from walking. He heard a soft thud. “Juniper?” Walker turned around only to see Juniper lying on the ground. “Junnie, don’t you play with me.” He said, and surprisingly, it had a hint of playfulness. The next time he uttered her name however, it was something else, “Juniper?”

She lay immobilised on the sand. Walker broke into a run, “My God, Juniper!” she was pale, and somewhat cold. Walker quickly carried her, one arm on her back, another holding her thighs. In normal circumstances, this was what Walker would like to do with Juniper, but now was not that normal circumstance. He ran towards his home, knowing that it was the nearest, kicked the door as hard as he could, and cried, “Mom!” no answer, “MOM! HELP ME!” this time even louder.

“Wait...” his mom finally replied, “What’s the matt… God, Junnie!”

“Please mom!” Walker said.” Put her in the car, hurry!”

What Walker remembered after that was cuddling almost lifeless Juniper on the backseats. Her face was so close to him, and he could not stop watching her. He would want to kiss him, but the time was wrong, too wrong. Not in this old, faulty car, not when his mom was around [he swore he heard his mom calling his name a few times, but reply he did not], not when lovely Juniper was behaving like an already dead person. Then, Walker remembered running beside her stretcher, holding her smooth brunette hair. Even like this, she was beautiful. It was a long journey, made even longer by the uninviting coldness of the white walls, and odours of medicines here and there.

God, don’t let her leave me.

“Please, sir, you can’t go beyond here. Please stay.” The nurse told him. “I need to be with her, please.” Walker begged. “I’m sorry, Sir. Hospital rules” and the doors were shut, but not before Walker saw a glimpse of Juniper being carried away into who knows where. Minutes later, Juniper’s parents came, along with her brothers. Walker could not be bothered with them. Yes, he loved them, but now, nothing else mattered anymore. Nothing else… besides Juniper. Couldn’t they get any faster? He thought.

Walker’s delusion was cut short when he realised that Juniper’s mother was suddenly standing in front of him. “Laura”, their relationship was that close that Walker did not have to call her formally. “I know you love her.” Laura said no emotion withstanding.

“I screwed it.” Walker cracked, eyes suddenly swollen with tears. “I don’t deserve her.”

“She told me all about it.”

About how I called her a fucking liar? Walker thought. “About how I told her that she was nothing else but a nuisance to my life? He added.

“She was a nuisance, but a good one, isn’t it, Walker?” Laura said it with a motherly voice. Definitely she was trying to calm him down.

“I lost her.”

“No, you don’t. She loves you. She still loves you.” Laura put her finger on Walker’s chin. Walker looked up, and he suddenly hugged her. “I love her.” Walker said, his voice almost unheard.

“I know, Walker.”

Seconds turned into minutes, and then hours have passed, but there was still not a sign of any nurses or doctors coming to tell them about Juniper. Walker strode to and fro waiting for any news. He imagined things, things that would happen to Juniper and him in the future: a big house, with a large garden, and many kids. That was what Juniper always dreamt of. Juniper has always been the one for him, he knew. No one else would make him suffer in pain this much, and no one else would give him joy like Juniper did. Juniper was the joy of his life. And he would like to think that he was the same for her. Was he the same thing for her? Love was hard.

“No, no… NO!” somebody was yelling at the top of her lung. Walker recognised the voice. It was Laura’s. His heart started to make the wrong assumptions, but hearing Laura like that, and seeing his own mom trying to console her when Laura was straddled on the floor, it could only mean one thing.

“No.” he darted towards the group, and grabbed the doctor by his collar tightly, who was putting his usual sympathetic face when announcing a patient’s death. “TELL ME!” he roared. “I’m sorry. We couldn’t do…”

“BULLSHIT!” Walker shouted at the top of his lungs while still grabbing the doctor’s collars. Everyone in the vicinity [and what a large vicinity it was turned towards them to see the commotion. “She’s not dead!”

“No, I’m sorry, sir. You should…”

“NO, YOU DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO SAVE HER!”

“No! No!” he grabbed the doctor even harder. It seemed as if he was trying to assault him, and assault he did. He punched the guy, throwing him backwards. A few people dashed towards Walker, restraining Walker. “LEMME GO! LET ME…”

“SOMEBODY, JUST GET THIS BOY AWAY BEFORE I CALL THE SECURITY!” clearly he was filled with anger. No one needed to call the security. Walker furiously walked away from the place. He ran not caring the world, he ran not knowing what his future would look like. He ran, sometimes bumping onto a person or two. Finally, he was outside the big hospital. It was night now. No clouds and the moon radiated the light brightly. Sagittarius, as always was ready to shoot his arrow. Walker slowly traipsed to the middle of the field and shouted loudly.

Finally, he shed his tears. One by one, the clear droplets fell to the ground. He did not realise his mom was behind. “Let her go, Walker.” She said affectionately as she hugged her. “Let her go.”

“She’s not dead… she’s not dead… she’s not-“ Walker repeated the sentence a couple of time, while his mom embraced him, rubbing his back, said stuff to comfort him. Walker only knew how to cry a little more before his entire world went black.

It had been one week after Juniper’s death. The service was done, and everything went back to normal, or as normal as it would be. Walker was at Juniper’s room, watching her things: her collections of CDs, Justin Bieber and One Direction were on the top – they always argued about Juniper’s obsession towards The Biebs and 1D – and many more others. There were novels here and there, and some small stuffs that Juniper loved to collect. Pictures of Juniper with her family were hanged around the walls. So did Juniper with Walker. One large picture frame in the middle showed a pretty shocked Juniper’s face when Walker kissed her on her left cheek. Seeing that photo made Walker realise that there would never be any more moments like that.

“Hey, mind if I come in?” Juniper’s mother was standing on the door. “This is your daughter’s room.” Walker replied.

“I always love that picture.” Laura told Walker. She was referring to that same picture. “Are you going to change this room?” Walker asked out of nowhere. “No.” she answered, and then added, “I guess I let this be a sanctuary for her soul.”

“You believe in God?”

“Why shouldn’t I?” Laura remarked. “At least, I can believe that there’s a good place for her to live in now.”

“Why did she never tell me?”

“That she had a heart disease?” Laura said, knowingly. “Juniper didn’t want to make you suffer.”

“If she let me, I would make her life happy.”

“And when she’s gone… you’ll suffer even more.”

“Am I not suffering now?” Walker responded

“Walker, if you understand, you will be able to justify the reason for the thing she did.”

“Justify?” Walker asked. He was confused. Laura just smile. “She asked me to give you this, in case… you know.” She walked towards a desk and took something from there. She handed Walker the thing. It was a book, with a photo of Juniper in front.

“I’ll be downstairs if you need me.” Laura said and went out silently, leaving Walker alone again. Walker stared at the book for while before he rested himself on the bed. Opening it, he saw pictures after pictures of Juniper, along with quotations, graphics, a lot of things. It was as if the book was something that kept Juniper’s secret. Here and there, photos of Juniper and Walker cropped up. Walker could not help but smile. There were too many memories. He spent 30 minutes looking at the boom, his feeling alternated between joy, bliss, and sadness. In the final page, a sentence was written in big, bold letters.

I LOVE YOU WALKER

Walker gazed at the words intently. He could not believe that she was gone. He screwed his last moments with her. How could he ever forgive himself? Finally, he decided to close the book when he saw something sticking out from the back. It looked like an envelope. He quickly took it.

‘To Walker’ was the only thing written. Walker tore it apart and fished out the content. He read the letter quietly on Juniper’s bed.

To Walker

Hey there my dearest Walker. Before I begin my so-called lecture to you, just one thing: keep the book properly… I will haunt you if you manage to get coffee stains on it. Anyway, if you get this, it will definitely mean that my body is in a) the morgue or b) the cemetery with a tombstone that has the phrase 'loving daughter and friend' and am currently on the long trip towards somewhere. I would love to go to Sagittarius.

I guess even though we’ve been friends for 10 years, I still don’t trust you with one thing: telling you that I have some heart disease with an exotic name and that anytime I may fall in front of you. Believe me, I don’t intend to do that. It’s just that, I don’t want to destroy your heart with news like that. I like to see you happy around me – or being awkward around me – hahaha.

God, I don’t even know how to write a letter. You better not laugh.

I know you’re mad at me because you think you are not loved, but that’s not the truth. If you read this properly, I have a heart disease. I don’t want you to suffer because of me. The real thing is: I love you. I’ve always been, and I’ll always do. Yeay, I’ve said that. What happens to us if suddenly I die while we’re kissing? You’ll be heartbroken, and I can’t live with that fact [yes, I know I’m dead when you read this]. Which is why I was forced to act like a fucking liar... Yes, I was hurt, Walker.

But then, it occurred to me that maybe what I did was wrong. I love you, and somehow, it kills me too, Walker. It kills me that I can’t grab your right hand in a way that means something else. It kills me not to be able to walk with you in the beach and have you treating me all those chocolate milkshakes. I want to talk petty stuff with you, argue about JB with you, play war games with you, watching rom-coms until you fall asleep with head on my shoulder, singing karaoke with you… More than that, I see you with me in my dreams as someone that I really love.

Maybe, I should have done that, but I just can’t watch you fall down into oblivion, losing so many precious lights just because of my own fading beacon. I can’t bear that, Walker.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to my short life. You made me laugh, you made me cry, you made me smile, you made me angry… you made everything out of me and I just can’t thank you enough for existing in my life. I will never forget you, Walker. The moment you walked into my life, I toyed with your name, and that moment too was when I fell in love with you. I will never forget you. Just stay happy even when I’m not around, cause again, I’ll haunt you if you don’t. Haha~ just kidding… oh well, not really.

Love,

Juniper

Walker could not suppress his smile, even if it had a tinge of sorrow. Juniper’s liveliness shone through even in a letter. Walker stood up, looked around, and paced to the big frame containing Juniper and him. He touched it, closed his eyes, and finally said with a small grin on his face:

Goodbye, Juniper. I will never forget you.